Sunday, April 1, 2007

Undone


Photo: the sky
(8:57 PM) How does the saying go? The whole truth, all the truth, and nothing but the truth? I have had some profound feelings and thoughts since I blogged last (Thursday night). It is now Sunday evening. I don't quite know where to begin. I will begin with Friday. I had a nice day. I finished my big vegetable garden on Friday and it felt so good. It looks awesome. I also planted 3 big rosemary bushes along the fence.

I stayed up late again preparing for my market. I got about 4 hours of sleep. At the market all day, something didn't feel quite right. It was a slow day for me sales wise. As I was driving home, I began to have all these questions for myself: What am I doing? Why don't I feel right? Why I am I still losing sleep before my markets? Why don't I spend more time earlier in the day getting ready for my markets so that I can get to bed early and be fresh and excited in the morning? Why am I driving a car when the thought of these noxious emissions from my vehicle makes me want to cry? Why do I meet so many people and still feel very lonely at times? Why have I been spending so much time on myspace.com and eat.rawfood.com? Am I searching for something/someone, for some kind of excitement or magic or attraction or special connections with others? Sure! Why? Why do I feel like I am seeking to fill some void where something seems to be missing? Deep down I know that nothing is missing. I am life and that is the only thing that matters. But I feel like I have lost my connection with this truth. I will not go to my next market. Nothing is ready. I have abandoned my work for the time being. There is something more important to focus on right now than getting my work done for the next market. I drove home from the market Saturday afternoon and by the time I got home, I felt so clearly that my world had changed as a result of those thoughts and realizations. I didn't unload the car. I went straight to the backyard and just sat. I cried and then cried more. And then eventually I ate some food. I had plans to go to the ballet, so I tried to take a nap and get a little sleep. I didn't want to go to the ballet anymore. It seemed so trivial. I went anyway because I love my friend, the one I made the plans with, and the plans meant a lot to him. I didn't want to disappoint him. I cried during the first performance. It was so breathtaking and beautiful. It touched my heart. It was about lovers and tenderness and companionship. And two as one. Words cannot describe it.

The foods I have eaten over the last three days are more of the same. I have forgotten what I ate Friday. It seems so long ago. Saturday I had an orange, 2 oz of Italian sunflower/pumkin seeds, 60 garlic almonds, a large salad, 1 or 2 servings of cacao dessert, 8 oz. of super sweet watered down chocolate almond milk, 4 chocolate covered strawberries (a gift that I couldn't resist from Cheryl, the beautiful chocolatier) and then (since I was on such a chocolate kick and feeling pretty freaked out by my internal crisis) 4 small squares of 88% rainforest chocolate bar. This gave me painful cramps at the ballet. Bummer. Today I have had one orange, a big salad, 2 servings of cacao dessert, 8 oz of watered down choc. almond milk, 60 garlic almonds, 1 carrot with 4 oz. of pesto, sweet tea, and 10 small dates with 2 Tbs cashew butter. This last new little dessert combo was very enjoyable. My food intake is starting to seem pretty predictable. Pretty good BMs.

Today I am moving very slowly. Not surprisingly, Saturday I developed an eye infection. I think it is from my eyes being so tired from not getting enough sleep. I am only thankful I have not gotten sick from functioning under all this exhaustion. I put a few more plants in the ground and tidied up the house a bit. I feel relieved. Relieved that I have some ideas of what is wrong with this whole situation so that I can begin to address it. Relieved that I can begin to take care of some of the things that have caused me to feel so overwhelmed lately. I feel different, though. Something inside of me has changed. It does not feel wrong. It feels right. Strangely, I feel like myself again. It has been a long time since I have experienced any kind of breakdown. I know it is only me growing. Sometimes this crazy world is so hard to function in.

But no worries. I will smile like that again soon. Maybe tonight. I do love making big smiles.

1 comment:

Gena said...

Audry... I UNDERSTAND! Really, I'm not on rawfood.com anymore for the same reasons you are questioning. It was becoming addictive and a way of trying to fill voids. I will join MUCH later, when I have worked through some issues... Don't give up, keep going and puhleez e-mail me if you still have my address, I'd really love to kit! :o) I'm loving your blogs and your photos are beauuutiful! *BIG HUGS*